BIG EVENTS ARE HAPPENING

Holy moly, a lot is going on, but I’m trying to post more consistently, so I’m writing today for just a moment in between some insane stuff that’s going on. I promise - when I’m on the other side of it, I will talk about it :)

Overall, things are going really well, and that is causing anxiety for me. I’m so used to stress in a bad way, that when things are genuinely good, that’s when my brain starts going a little haywire. I can connect this with my mother, and it’s something I’ve been retiscent to get into with shadow work. But, last night, I finally did it. I used my most trusted tarot deck, the Tarot in Wonderland (Barbara Moore illustrated by Eugene Smit) and it spilled the tea with three cards: Four of Cups, The Lovers, and, Three of Cups.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, the Four of cups is largely associated with mourning. This is what the Four of Cups looks like in the Tarot in Wonderland deck:

You can probably tell just by looking at the above card that the Four of Cups is a very sad card. In specific, it has to do with mourning. Now, for me, the shadow work I was doing in specific was with the intention of learning why I have such difficulty relaxing and enjoying and trusting the good things happening in my life. I knew it had to do with a mother wound, and I wanted to know specifically what. Bam, the above card is it. And, honestly, it makes sense. My mother’s family was, in her mind, perfect when she was a child. Everything was ruined when her parents divorced, and I have a feeling that she has not dealt with this deep, deep wound. The pain that she felt, is such that she had to sort of become a hyper-independent adult at age fourteen when her mother moved her to an entirely different town in a neighborhood that was - shall we say - questionable - and my mother had to be a mother for her younger sister because her own mother was working and yes, dating, during her highschool years. She has yet to heal, and I genuinely feel sorry for her.

This particular card doesn’t solely apply to my mother. It also applies to my mother’s mother, who had her own wounds inflicted in childhood by an alcoholic father and living in poverty with numerous siblings. On my father’s side, my grandmother and her mother share a deep wound surrounding the death of my grandmother’s sister when she was a child. This sense of pain and mourning, and not confronting the pain and mourning has lead to hyper-independence of the women in my family.

In this particular reading, this wound has affected the relationships the mothers in my family have had, as indicated by the next card, The Lovers:

The Lovers can indicate a lover (shocking, right?) a relationship, and this could be a new one, an old one, etc. The trick that I’ve found when reading tarot is learning how each card informs the other. On its own, the Lovers may indicate a choice, a lover in specific, trust, relationships, etc. But, in this case, with the Four of Cups pulled first, it seemed pretty clear what this was talking about: the deep wounds affecting the relationships of the women and the mothers in my family.

My mother, for example, never trusted my father completely. Never. She never trusted that he would take care of her. Ever. It was simple fact, and it was written into everything she ever did - especially the home and finances. My dad may have always made more money than my mother, but my mother was the one in control of it. When my father decided he wanted to impulse buy something (a boat, a car, whatever) my mother would figure it out. She’d have that same, weary look in her grey eyes, she’d have that same, soft defeated tone, and she’d stay quiet as she figured out where to scrounge money and where to cut it from. I can’t speak for her mother, really, except for knowing for certain that she knew something similar, since she grew up relatively impoverished. My dad’s mom was a work-horse. She worked multiple jobs to ensure her kids had everything they needed - good food, good clothes, etc. Her relationship with my grandfather is a complicated one, and I know that they did not trust each other, especially when it came to money and the home.

This hyper-independence, this “I’ll make things work however I need to”, this mentallity consisting of a complete lack of trust in the person who is supposed to be their life partner - this is an exhaustive practice. And I see it, over and over and over. I see myself even, trying to do the same thing, trying to keep control of everything, even though I am lucky enough to have a partner who does want to help with cleaning and cooking, and the home.

So how do I break this cycle?

This is where the above Three of Cups comes in. The Three of Cups is all about community, the culmination of multiple people and energy, a combined effort to make amazing things happen. This is the biggest lesson I have been learning - especially recently. When everything settles down with what’s happening, I’ll expand more on this aspect. In the more immediate, I believe that this card indicates trusting my significant other to do things to help me - dishes, cooking, picking up, and just letting him help - because he does want to, and has even asked to. It seems weird, but this is a really big step for me - my father never cleaned. He would cook occasionally, and again, my mother would sigh because she’d have to clean it up. My significant other has helped me clean my apartment when my dishwasher has flooded, and has expressed how he’s happy to do it - how it’s no trouble, and I’m not a burden.

This is kind of a big breakthrough for me, I suppose. This is the full reading from when I did this just after midnight:

I’m no expert tarot reader, but I do okay using it for my own shadow work. If you’re looking for a good tarot resource, I recommend Labyrinthos - they offer a lot of free resources on tarot. They even offer an app for you to read tarot virtually and get a feel before you buy a deck for yourself.

Anyway, sorry for the weird, long, sporadic post, but this is what’s on my mind, so, here you go!

-NL