Ancestor Update and Thoughts About Dealing with Rejection as a Writer

About my ancestors…

               I know this blog post is a little out of order – but I feel compelled to write it, so I am. Firstly, I want to note – if you’re doing research, be aware: if you get back far enough in history one or two couples (at least) have been cousins in some capacity. It’s disturbing. On a funnier note, I traced one of my great-grandmother’s lineage back to some saints, and I think they’d be rolling in their churchyard graves if they knew I was a witch.

“Thanks, but no thanks…”

               The other thing I want to write about today is rejection. At least, as a writer. I submit to a writing contest at WOW Women On Writing Flash Fiction Contest – This contest is where Monster Hunting in the Old West was born, actually (it didn’t win) and I have submitted several stories over the past year…each has been rejected.

               The last time my story was rejected, I was really hurt and discouraged. I just didn’t understand, and thoughts like, “Should I give up?”, “Am I not good at this?”, “Why the f*ck am I doing this to myself?” went through my head.

               And then, I began to look into the science of rejection and why the  f*ck it hurts so much. Here’s what I found:

According to Psychology Today:

+   Rejection is basically the same as physical pain as far as the brain is concerned, and follows the same neural pathways.

+   Rejection causes us to feel disconnected from the group(s) we belong to, effectively destabilizing our sense of place and belonging, which adds to the emotional pain.

+   Rejection can temporarily lower our IQ

+   Rejection pushes us to seek out and destroy our own self-esteem (hence, “Am I not good at this?” or “I’m not good at this” or “f*ck this”)

+   Rejection doesn’t respond to reason (my boyfriend can attest to this, having tried to rationally point out that I am, in fact, a good writer and that I should definitely keep doing my art. In that moment of pain and rejection, all I could feel was the irrational need to give up.”

+   Interestingly, acetaminophen (Tylenol) has been shown in some studies to reduce the pain of rejection.

Why on earth would we evolve this way?

+   Family/communities/tribes/groups were how we literally survived during our hunter-gatherer phase of existence. These groups were everything to us, and integral to our individual survival. Being ostracized from these groups meant death. To prevent this, our brains became very sensitive to potential rejection. That hind-brain rejection was such a necessary part of our survival that it still exists today.

So…where does this leave us? Well, for me personally, I developed a plan moving forward regarding rejection:

1)     Do not just allow notifications all the time - Boundaries are important, including when notifications about writing entries come through. For me, I have specific times when I will and won’t answer emails/texts/phone calls.

2)     Set a time to read potential rejection letters/emails - Sort of like above, having times when I can and will allow for responses about my entries allows me to feel in control. It also allows me to prepare for potential rejection.

3)     Take acetaminophen when it looks like I’ll be dealing with rejection - I figure it’s worth a shot, especially when I think the response is not going to be what I’m hoping for.

4)     I allow myself to grieve when rejected - Rejection hurts, and it’s okay to feel it, and to cry, and to get it out of your system.

5)     Write through all of the anger and frustration to get it out of my system - For me, writing about what I’m going through helps me to work through it. For other people, maybe it’d be something else.

6)     When I’m ready, and rational, talk about it with my boyfriend and friends – people I trust - This helps reinforce that being rejected has not impacted my place in the groups/communities/families that I’m part of.

7)     When I’m ready, review the feedback - Feedback/critique can be incredibly valuable, even if it’s hard to hear/read. Ultimately, I want to become a better writer, and implementing critique is going to be a valuable part of that process.

8)     I remind myself that rejection isn’t personal - This is a hard one, especially since when I’m in my feelings about being rejected I cannot hear how it isn’t personal. But, when I return to a more logical state, I can remind myself that it is not a reflection of me, myself, my person, or my style as a writer. My work just wasn’t what they wanted for their publication/contest/whatever.

I’m writing this partially to remind myself of all this because I submitted a short story to  WOW Women on Writing for their summer contest, and I have a feeling that my work was not what they wanted. If I’m rejected there, I’ll add it to my portfolio. It’s a deeply personal piece, and I’m proud of it. When I’m ready, I’ll read their critiques (and, realistically, probably implement them prior to posting it to my portfolio). On the off chance that my piece is selected to win, I’ll update here to let you all know. Either way, WOW Women on Writing gives a lot of valuable feedback (if you pay for it) and I’m sure that I will learn a lot.

-NL