Going No-Contact
“He is the bull in the China shop, but she leads him around by the nose.”
Why Would Someone Go No-Contact with Their Family?
A good general rule is to never ask a person why they’ve chosen to go no-contact with someone, especially if the person they’re estranged from is a family member. I point this out because recounting trauma can be triggering, and in this case, there is some risk of the decision being invalidated, and the victim being questioned about severity of the abuse they’ve endured. People who've gone no-contact with their family member(s) are often told that the abuse wasn’t that bad, or, that it wasn’t abuse at all. Sometimes, the abuse is rationalized because the abuser is also the parent. Whatever they’ve done, they should be forgiven so that everyone can move on with their lives and not think about it.
The reality is, that we are/were their children, and this familial connection didn't prevent the parent(s) from saying and doing the things they said and did. No one who has decided to go no-contact with a family member has done so lightly.
Again, it’s a good rule to never ask why we've gone no-contact. Should someone confide in you that they have gone no contact, please be supportive of their boundaries. Listen to what they have to say, even if you know and love the person they’ve estranged themselves from. Know that the person who’s chosen to go no-contact has had to see and endure a very different side of the person you might know. Rather than participate in victim blaming, or gaslighting, instead, be open-minded about what you’re being told.
I have chosen to share parts of my story, and why I have chosen to go no-contact with my family.
It's About a Pattern of Behavior
I could talk about the specific punishments, things like soap in the mouth, being spanked, getting threatened with the belt (I genuinely can't remember if I was actually hit with the belt or not, but it was an ever-present threat), using Tabasco sauce in lieu of soap when my mother learned that soap was, as she put it, "Technically child abuse.” In her mind, since Tabasco sauce was a condiment, it couldn’t be considered abusive.
The corporeal punishments were only part of a greater pattern of behaviors that were abuse disguised as family structure. The greater patterns are those typical of narcissists: the villainization of one child over another, re-writing history when it is unflattering, and gaslighting their child into believing whatever was necessary so that they could maintain their control.
My Story
I think I was six or seven years old when my mother was so frustrated with my father that she called him a jerk in front of my sister and me. By that time, I'd seen their fights; my dad yelling at my mom, then leaving instead of staying to resolve things. I'd seen him make my mother cry over and over again. And my mother, at that time, was my lifeline; I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a two-year-old and my mother was who kept me alive – my dad did little to nothing in the way of direct care.
So, when my mother called my father a jerk in front of me, she looked at me with her sad grey eyes and said, "I shouldn't have said that."
And I responded, "No, Dad is a jerk."
What I couldn't have known, was that this would be the moment when I would become my mother's protector. After that point, when my dad would begin fighting with my mom, I learned that I was able to make him angry on purpose. After all, my mother was vulnerable, and I was strong. If my dad yelled at me, I could take it. I'd say or do something to make him angry, so he'd be mad at me, instead of her. So that they'd stay together, and he'd calm down while I was in my room.
And my mother would watch these fights. She would watch with that same, empty, grey-eyed stare, and she would say nothing. My dad would say truly hurtful things to me; I don't know how many tears I've shed over the years at the painful words flung my way.
My mother would sit there, silent. Watching the display.
For years, I rationalized this; I was smart enough to come up with verbal barbs to shoot at my father. I could take his ire and meet it with my own in ways I knew my mother could not. I was stronger than she was, she needed me to stand up for her to my father. And that was okay. That was how our family worked.
As an adult myself now, I recognize two things looking back:
My mother is a deeply damaged person with severe abandonment issues. She was willing to rationalize the words and actions doled out by her husband to her daughter, instead of standing up to her husband on her daughter’s behalf. I suspect some of this might be due to the severe abandonment issues I mentioned above, but I also think that my father is relatively easy for her to control. I’ll get to why I think that in a moment.
If I had a child, I would never let them endure what I went through. I would never allow a partner to say the kinds of things to my child that my father said to me.
The Cloak of Victimhood
It's tempting to think that my mother is the victim in all this. I noted her damaged psyche myself. Indeed, for over two decades, I believed this. I believed that she was vulnerable; that she needed a protector, and that her best protector was me. I believed that she needed my protection and my strength for years.
Until the fight to end all fights with my father. I won't bore you with the details, but I will let you know this: by that time, I was well aware of what gaslighting was. I'd been in my first healthy relationship with a partner who saw the issues with my family and supported me in who I was. To this day, when my significant other and I have disagreements, we talk about them. We resolve them, and we don't attack each other.
On the day of this fight, I was ready; I would not be gaslit. I would not allow my father to take me to the emotional place he always had before, to the irrational places where he had the power. No, I would – and did – stay completely calm for the first time in my life. If you've ever had the misfortune of being the calm one in a fight with a narcissist, you know what was about to happen.
When narcissists can't win, they lash out.
When my father realized he wasn't getting the reaction he wanted from me, and instead of matching his anger and energy, I had remained calm, my father said, "You are mean, you are so mean, you're not my daughter anymore."
I responded in much the same way one might respond to a toddler who needs a nap, "If we are going to resort to name-calling, then I think it's time to end this conversation."
In retrospect, being disowned like this was the first broken link in the chains binding me to them. But at the time, those words stung. Being told I wasn’t his daughter anymore forced me to learn that there was no depth my father wouldn’t dive to in an attempt to hurt me. That my mother sat there, heard him say that, and did nothing, would be the evidence I needed to realize how weak she truly is. How far she was willing to let him go.
The following day my father asserted that he never said that. To this day, he will tell anyone who might listen that I'm making it up, or that he said, "You're not acting like my daughter." Revisionist history is a favorite tactic of the narcissist, unfortunately. This altercation, which my mother was present for, and at certain points quietly egged on, would lead to my discovery of exactly who my mother was and is.
It was a little while after this fight when my mother tried to get me to heal the rift with my father. Her emotionally manipulative tactics led to both of us crying, and when we returned to their house, I went upstairs. But instead of going to my room, I sat on the stairs, and I heard my mother talking to my father about me.
"You know how Tosha is. She's just starting drama again." I heard her tell my father. I heard her go onto to blame me, invalidate what had happened to me – what she had seen happen to me – as a means of whipping her husband into a frenzy. Endearing him to her cause, granting him the perfect enemy: me.
To this day, I wonder how many fights were started between my father and me by my mother. She is the other kind of narcissist; the kind who is quiet, and plays the victim well, but is not nearly as cunning as she thinks she is. In many ways, she is worse than my father. She's behind his berserker tendencies, and he has no idea. He is the bull in the China shop, but she leads him around by the nose.
For years, I was enmeshed in their turmoil. I had been weaned on a steady diet of dramatic nonsense and misery and had been told that that was the ideal life. Then, I learned what a healthy partnership was. What support felt like. I'd been seen as something good, instead of something bad for the first time in my life, and, it hadn't been by someone in my family. I'd learned that I didn't have to feel horrible all the time. A new partner is quite often the catalyst for change in circumstances like mine. Sometimes it's a romantic partner, sometimes it's a friend, but it's always someone outside the family structure who sees what's happening to the person they care about.
I am extremely lucky to have the support system I have. I've been able to go to therapy, I've gotten help for my anxiety and depression, and have become more stable than childhood me would have ever dreamed. None of this would have been possible while my mother and father were active influences in my life.
That is not an exaggeration.
When dealing with narcissists, one must always be aware that it will always be about the narcissist. Any accomplishments threaten them, and any failures feed them. Everything must be about the narcissist.
And so, I have estranged myself; there was and is no other option.
Things the Narcissist Might Say…
The narcissist in question will try to have everyone believe that they are the victim. The narcissist will insist that they can't understand why their child won't talk to them. Many times, they will promise that if the child would just talk to the narcissist, the narcissist could fix it. Failing that, the narcissist might insist that the child just needs to forgive and forget. Or, (this one's a favorite of mine) they acknowledge that, sure, they weren't the perfect parent, but who is? Certainly, they don't deserve this!
I’m sure if you asked my parents, they would tell you that I won’t talk to them, and I won’t tell them what they did wrong. The reality is that, I did try to tell them what was wrong. Repeatedly. In my case, it was over twenty years of trying to talk, trying to point out the problems I saw. I was met with gaslighting and verbal abuse. As far as forgiveness? I forgave my abusers repeatedly over the years and received further abuse as a result. I may forgive, but I will no longer allow the behavior to continue. That's not a grudge (as much as they'd probably like to call it that), that is called setting boundaries. And of course, I know they weren't perfect. I fully accept that. Their imperfections were never the issue; their continual abuse of me was. And no matter what, because it paints them in a bad light, they cannot and will not allow themselves to acknowledge the patterns of behavior that prevent us from having healthy relationships with each other.
Boundaries
Do they deserve this? Yes. Is it punishment? They're certainly allowed to perceive it that way, but no. it isn’t. It’s boundaries. My refusal to talk to them is my means of protecting myself from them.
What do we do about narcissists?
The short answer? Nothing.
Can we change them?
No.
If a narcissist is going to change, they must make the nearly impossible decision to do so of their own accord. They must make that decision and acknowledge the parts of them that are damaging to others so that they can become better. They will most likely require the assistance of a therapist specializing in personality disorders and narcissism to try to change their behaviors. That means taking responsibility for the hurt they've caused. It also means that they must acknowledge that the boundaries others have enacted will not automatically be removed because the narcissist is trying to change. The narcissist in question must seek change because it's the right thing to do, not so that they can get something from others. This is nearly impossible for the narcissist.
Do I Need to Cut Off Contact with My Narcissists?
I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you that you need to evaluate your life, and whether the narcissist in question - be it a parent, sibling, partner, whatever - is an additive in your life. You need to seriously consider this because this is the reality of narcissists:
A narcissist will not change. No matter what.
A narcissist might alter their behaviors temporarily, but they will ultimately return to the behaviors they are comfortable with.
You cannot change a narcissist. I cannot overstate this.
Some questions you might ask yourself when deciding whether going no-contact is the right decision for you:
Does their behavior hurt me or the people I care about?
Do they listen to me? And when they do, do they hear me?
When issues arise, do they rewrite history so that they sound better?
And again: Are they an additive in my life, or do they hold me back?
If you do choose to cut off family members, here are things you need to know, from my experience:
Your brain will remind you of all the good times. You will feel a lot of feelings after it's done. It'll hurt, and you will need support. If it is within your means/ability to do so, talk to a therapist who specializes in dealing with victims of narcissists. If you have a doctor, or nurse you feel comfortable going to, they might have access to mental healthcare options if your insurance doesn’t cover it. There are also links to resources I've listed below that I've found helpful in my journey.
It does get better, and it is worth it. You are worth it.
The narcissist in question will villainize you to anyone who will listen. This may mean you'll need to set some hard boundaries with more extended family members, or people close to the people you've gone no-contact with.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to your support system as much as you can, be they in person or virtual.
I've listed below some resources I feel comfortable recommending for people who've had to go no contact with their family member(s). I highly recommend Down the Rabbit Hole; this website has been and still is, one of the most validating things I've read as someone with two parents who are narcissists. Please note the trigger warnings though, the author does explore the forums of abusive parents and the things they tell each other to validate their behavior. Always, always, prioritize your mental health.
Don't you owe them?
No. They chose to have a child. And rather than raise me in a loving, supportive environment, they abused and gaslit me. They painted me as the villain in their story, and they set me up in competition with an idealized firstborn I could never be. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally damaged by these people, and it wasn't until I cut out their cancerous influence, that I could begin to heal and thrive.
I owe them nothing.
I owe them nothing for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, or the food in my kitchen. I owe them nothing for the insulin in my fridge (something I was made to feel very guilty about as a child – being type 1 diabetic). I owe them none of my accomplishments, my energy, or my time. I gave them over two decades worth of each of those things; more than they deserved.
And in return, I owe them nothing for their hurtful words. I owe them nothing for their use of harsh substances in my two-year-old mouth as a means of discipline. I chose to owe them nothin for the spankings. For the belt (or threat of it). I owe them nothing for the words said in anger and then maintained without apology. I owe them nothing for the nights I've spent in tears over things I cannot change.
I owe them nothing. That is my gift to them.
You owe your narcissists nothing, whether they are your parents, siblings, partners, whatever. You do not owe them.
To the Narcissists and Estranged Parents…
Should an estranged parent happen to read this post, I hope you consider the bit about therapy. I also want you to know this: if your child cuts you out, you need to seriously consider your actions. Don't wallow in self-pity and the soothing lies of fellow narcissists. Your child has told you exactly why they cut you out. Listen to them. Listen, feel the pain of the loss, and accept that there is not a single thing you could ever do to make it right. Then move forward and respect that child's boundaries. You owe them that.
Resources for Adult Estranged Children:
ISSENDAI. (n.d.). Down the rabbit hole: The world of estranged parents' forums. Down the Rabbit Hole: The world of estranged parents' forums | Issendai.com. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html
Out of the fog: Personality disorders, narcissism, NPD, BPD. Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD. (n.d.). https://outofthefog.website/
Unknown, A. (2023, April 10). Characteristics of narcissistic mothers. ParrishMiller.com. https://parrishmiller.com/narcissists/
Tosh is a writer from the PNW who writes on a wide array of topics ranging from her life at work in Tosh's Travels, and, about her personal life and interests in On the Hedge. When not writing, she plays video games, reads, drinks a disturbing amount of coffee, and hangs out with her little dog, Maverick.
